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A.18 It’s Time to Rethink High-Protein Diets for Weight Loss

Hello.  Good day.  Hola.  Guten tag.  Sooooo…how’s everyone been?  How’s your mom? I know it’s been like forever since we last visited with our favorite little diseasey Sims family, but I have great news for everyone….they’re back!

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Hey, Alopecia, where are you going?  I said….
mpadbd

“Nuh uh, I don’t have to do this if I don’t want to…Daddy, tell them I don’t want to!”

“Hm?  Did someone say something?  I thought I heard a voice…it’s probably just in my head.”


“It’s your offspring, you nincompoop.  Stop standing here in the rain like a dunce and go feed the female kitten; she’s hungry.”

“I…have a female kitten?”


So.  Looks like things are basically just as they have always been, even though our last update was, oh, two years ago.  Sorry, peeps.  Blame the lag…it was killing us all. Whenever I could squeeze out any time to actually play, it took ages and ages just for the game to load up, and then it took more ages and ages for anyone to do anything, so I moved everyone into a new town to try to fix things.  And then I forgot that I moved them, so I was going to move them again, but then this face unexpectedly appeared at the door….behold.


This, friends, haters, and everyone in between, is August Woods, and if that preteen face doesn’t scream “heir spouse material,” I don’t know what does.  Also her name begins with “A.” Also it’s August (or…it was when I first wrote this…).  It’s perfect.  SHE’S perfect.

“Perfect, y’say?  I call dibs, ya’ll.”


“Jus’ let me take a moment to get on down off this giddy uppidy horsey for I can go reel her on in…sorry, little stripey, I got me another little filly to be breakin’ in.”


Ah, yes.  Mixing up country metaphors.  Not even the most disturbing part of this dialogue. At any rate, August seems to have already moved on to the house next door…

“S’all right, ain’t too late to get ‘er done!”


Hmmm…on second thought, better hold off, Rex.  Looks like I was wrong about the “pre” in “preteen.”

“Oh no siree bob, I ain’t gon’ be throwin’ that beaut back without a fight!”


“Hello there, ma’m.   I came all the way out here t’ invite you inside, on account of it bein’ such a wet night out and you wearin’ not much more than a paper napkin an’ all.  A purty napkin, that is.  Them you might find at a particular’ fancy dinner or whatnot.”


Smooth, Anorexia.

“What?  I said a FANCY dinner.”


“Is she coming?”

Uhm, no, I don’t think so, Rex.  It looks like she’s got business over there…

“Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life?  Say yes, say yes, ’cause I need to know!”

“Oh no, did I order another cheerleader on Amazon again…?”

“….why you gotta be so rude?”


Don’t worry, though, Rex, I think your dad has found a cowgirl to replace her with.


“Howdy, pardner, reckon you got some candy you can slip in this here bucket?”

“Why, of course, dear!  Only thiiiiiis much, though, you know it must be close to your bedtime!”


“Wait…we’re talking about real candy here and not some kind of wink wink nudge nudge metaphor, right?”

“Oh, of COURSE, sir!  Although I sure wouldn’t say no to a Mr. Goodbar with my Whatchamacallit, iffin you know what I mean….”

“Ah…didn’t someone say something about a kitten needing my attention somewhere inside??”

 “Hm….well, it appears that I found the kitten cage, but there’s nothing in here but another one of those kids.  Hey little girl!  Have you seen a hungry kitten around?”

“You weally ahw a nincompoop.”

“Oh, well, you’re probably tired of being trapped in that cage, so here you go, little girl…now you get to be tall, like a big person!  Doesn’t that sound like fun!”  ::wanders aimlessly away::

“WHAT.  WAIT.  YOU DIDN’T GIVE ME FOOD….!”


“aaaAAAAhaaa….aaaAHHHHHaaaa….Ugh, it’s so hard to work on my runs with that baby screaming, ‘Dactone.  How inconsiderate of her.”

“You said it, pal of mine!”


“Oh hi Nugget, I’ll bet all that screaming is hurting your ears, huh.  Here, have some treats to take your mind off it….it’s SUCH an inconvenience when babies cry for no reason.”

“I WANT FOOD!  I WANT TO BE BIG SO I CAN GET MY OWN FOOD!  I HATE BEING SMALL!!  FEED ME!!!!!!”


“Aw, poor li’l moppet.  Here, I’ll split half of my melted ice cream with ya…I know you can’t use a straw, so I’ll jus pour it in this here bowl for ya.”

“Bald child, do you really think it’s a good idea for your younger siblings to be eating melted ice cream for dinner?  As eldest, I really do think it must stand to you to do something about this.”

“You’re right, Snowy.  I’ll go to Mother right now and demand an explanation!”


“Mo-THER.  There is a situation in the kitchen that you need to rectify IMMEDIATELY. Anorexia has let all the chocolate ice cream melt, and now he and Amnesia are eating it all and haven’t left me ANY, and they KNOW that chocolate is the ONLY THING that PROPERLY LUBRICATES MY VOCAL CORDS, and I need you to go out right now and buy me some NON MELTED chocolate ice cream.  And also I need a story.”

“Kid, I stopped listening somewhere around ‘melted chocolate’ and started fantasizing about giant chocolate fondue fountains instead.  ‘Fraid you’re on your own with whatever it is you’re complaining about now.”


“Hrmph, like THAT’S really anything new….”

“I hears you, mah brotha.”


“C’mere, squirt, all that chocolate talk has made mama hungry.  Say hi to The Claw.  Claw, meet the squirt.”


“The Claw hungers, Squirt.  It actually hungers for chocolate, but eh, I suppose a poopy little boy will do just as well.”

“Oh my Llama, if I wasn’t poopy before, I def’nitely am now……”


“Ahem.  F’get about badly done, walls-down scween shots, it’s time to focus on me and the fact that I have magically escaped from my high chair.”


“Weaders, we all know no one ever pays attenshun to me, so this can onwy mean ONE TING…..”


“….I am finawy about to weave the confines of this tiny wittle body and be a weal girl now!  Good-bye sitting in poopy diapers all the time!  Good-bye surwiving on stale cat food!  Good-bye to sweeping on the floor because nobody remembered to put me to bed…”


“….hello, anarchy, destruction, and bloodshed!  Revenge shall be mine!!”


“…never mind.  Guess I’ll just be a boring normal kid after all.  By the way, that chair is stupid.  Like everything else.”

Everyone, Amnesia.  Who is mean spirited.  Shocker.

“Hmmm….football.”


“Uhm, hel-LO.  Can we please go back to focusing on more important birthdays?  Namely…mine.  Behold!”

Oh…whoops, sorry, guess I forgot it’s also your birthday.  You got Unlucky as your next trait.  Sorry, kid.

“Unlucky my beautiful foot!  I have HAIR now!”


Erm, no, Al, sorry…but hey, -I- personally think the bald looks suits you!

“Well, of COURSE it suits me…EVERYTHING suits me!  Even my daddy’s nasty stank armpits suit me.  And that is why I, Alopecia Simptoms, am here to announce my intent to run for President of the United States.  I thank you all in advance for your votes tomorrow. I know you will all make me very proud.”

Uhm, Al, honey, that’s not how it….you know what, sure, why not.  I present to you guys our new candidate for POTUS.  I’m with him, to make America…okayish…again.

SO that’s it for now, you all and all ya’ll.  If you’re of age and reading this in the good ol’ US of A, make sure to go out and cast your votes for whoever makes you feel the most froggy tomorrow.  If you’re reading this from anywhere else…well, the good ol’ US of A could use as many well wishes as you’ve got, so lay ’em on us.  Tune in next time (which will hopefully be in less than two years) to find out what happens next, and, as always, thanks ever so much for reading!  Kiss kiss!

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A.17 Strengthening Your Brain

When last we left our fearless, dysfunctional family, Alopecia was in time out, Amnesia was being ignored, Sara was being overwhelmed, and I can’t remember what everyone else was doing.

“I can not beLIEVE Mother had the absolute GALL to put me, ME, in time out! How dare she, what if people SEE me?! My reputation among the little people will be just RUINED.”

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“Oh Al, cheer up! When the sun shines, we’ll shine together! Told you I’d be here forever! Said I’ll always be a friend, took an oath I’ma stick it out ’til the end! Now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other! You can stand under my umbrella! You can stand under my umbrella! Ella ella!”

“What. Are you. TALKING about?! You embarrass me, raggedy Aldy.”

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“You know, for someone who’s supposed to be easily impressed, you’re kind of a hard sell.”

“Oh, I’m easily impressed all right…by MYSELF, because I’M AWESOME!!1!”

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Meanwhile, inside…

“I have been told that one does one’s best thinking upon the waste elimination apparatus. Upon experimentation, I have found that this hypothesis rings true and have thus reached new conclusions of my own.”

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“Namely, this small, immature body is no longer suitable for my highly superior mind, and it is therefore high time that I metamorphose into the exceptionally bright, and, no doubt, evil child I am destined to become.”

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“Has it happened yet? Do I look evil?”

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Well…in a manner of speaking…do you FEEL evil?

“Not really…unless a mighty big urge to just go take a rod for a nice, cool dip in yonder pond is what you might call evil.”

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Angler. What a tremendously useful new trait. Now we basically have Bear Grylls.

“What?! My baby is growing up into a REDNECK?! I can’t handle this…I’m taking a nap here, and when I wake up, I’m going to need to get pregnant AS SOON AS POSSIBLE in order to replace the failure Alopecia had become.”

Uhm, that’s Anorexia…

“Whatever, wake me up when Kurtis and his impregnation device come home…Zzzzzz…..”

“Mama, I STINK….oh, nevar mind. I can’t wait to gwow up.”

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“Really, Mawma, I don’t know why me bein’ an outdoorsy kinda guy is so abhorrent an’ all to ya. I mean, think of all the great outdoorsmen I got to look up to: Steve Irwin — “

“Killed by a jellyfish.”

“Jacques Cousteau — “

“French.”

“AND Bear Grylls.”

“Has two sons named Huckleberry and MARMADUKE!!”

“Mawma, it was a sting ray, you’re bein’ racist, an’ I really don’t think you have room to talk considerin’ the name thing.”

“I can’t even look at you right now.”

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Later….

“What?! How did we — you did NOT just move us AGAIN!”

I’m sorry!! I had to…ya’ll were way too freaking laggy!

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“How are we ever supposed to settle down and make friends with you always moving us around?! One day we’re in Lunar Lakes, then we’re on Starlight Shores, and now we’re…we’re…where the crap are we now??”

Twinbrook. Isn’t it nice?

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“Isn’t Twinbrook where everyone likes to start their Uglacies?? I don’t want to have ugly grandchildren!!!”

“Calm the shrill, Mother; it’s not genetically possible for a fine face like this to have ugly babies! Z snap!”

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Yeah, what he said…I guess…so pipe down! I was tempted to just drop you on an empty lot and make you start from scratch like MOST legacies do, you know, so be grateful for your proper house. See how nice it looks, all ready for you and your litter to cover it with rotten food and blue urine…it’s a completely fresh start!

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“Riiiight, a ‘fresh start’ that just happened to include wish queues cleared of midlife crises.”

That was an unforeseen side effect, but you gotta admit, it’s a great opportunity to really work on your marriage and strengthen your bond, am I right, Kurtis? …Kurtis? Are you — did you just wish to send someone a text message?!

“Chill, lady, it’s for my LTW, promise!”

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“Well, Ah for one am sure mighty glad t’ be movin’ to a town with schools proactive enough t’ go ahead n’ send homework t’ kids who haven’t even attended yet. Ah can’t wait t’ learn all about thermal dynamics n’ weather shifts, an’ how all that affects our great country’s water life. How ’bout you, Alopesha, what kinna homework are you workin’ on?”

“Homework? Puh-LEASE. Homework would strain my beautiful face and give me wrinkles, you silly grub; this here’s the first draft of my future best selling autobiography! Now stop your jawing, I can’t hear what Mother’s calling Father through all the marbles in your mouth. Mother, can you shout a little louder, please?”

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“Oh look, our neighbors have come t’ welcome us!”

“Great! I will regale them with song! Let me just warm up first….LA LA LA LA LA!”

“Are you sure this is gonna work, Hildy? These people don’t really look like the kind that would fall for your big plan…”

“Are you kidding me, these rubes are perfect! Just trust me…and call me Edith!”

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“Hil — er, EdithAmerican Hustle was a MOVIE. It’s not something you can just do in real life.”

“Hush, IRVING; you didn’t even stay awake through the whole thing! The trick is to start small, and you really can’t start any smaller than with people like this. What is that bald kid even doing?”

“He’s regalin’ you with song, ma’m.”

“OoooooOoooooOooo! ARRIBA ARRIBA DOE RAY ME FA SO LA TEE DOE!!!”

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“This is what I’m missing the game for?”

“Well, he’s jus’ warmin’ up right now. He’ll get t’ the good part soon.”

::loogy hawking sounds::

“My, I had no idea humans could get hair balls….cough it up, dear; there’s a good lad!”

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“Ok, I’m done. I doubt these people even have anything worth stealing…maybe I’ll make it home in time for kickoff!”

“You’re right, Hal; this was a silly plan. When we get home, I’ll start calling up some friends; maybe we can get enough to try out that thing they did on Ocean’s Eleven!”

“Well, it sure was nice of ya’ll to stop by! Ya’ll come back now, y’hear!”

“I CAN BE YOUR HERO BABY!!!”

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After a long, trying day of arguing and inadvertently thwarting neighborly scamming attempts, the Simptoms head off to sleep. Except the movers apparently weren’t able to fit Sara and Kurtis’s bed into the house, forcing the couple to spend a night in the great outdoors…only Kurtis can’t manage to get into bed at all.

“I’ve had it with this town. Woman, get up! We’re going back home!”

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“….and that, son, is when I realized why so many women love Fifty Shades of Gray. Holy cow, when your dad was so forceful with me, it was, hmmmm…hot!”

“Mother, PLEASE!” I’m EATING here!”

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“Alopecia, I’m just trying to help you for when you’re old enough to find an Edward of your own. When your dad spoke to me like that, my subconscious may have been pursing her prissy little lips in disapproval, but, holy moly, my inner goddess was pole vaulting right out of her skimpy little designer thong, you hear what I’m saying? Oh my…”

I hear what you’re saying, and I’ve never wished so hard to be a strictly imaginary character in my life. Kid, you mind helping a friend out and banging that thing a little louder?”

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“You know, I could have been the greatest erotic fiction author known to man, if you kids hadn’t come along and ruined everything.”

“….I’m never going to be able to eat grilled cheese again, am I?”

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“G’afternoon, all ya’ll! Alopesha, where were you t’day, ya missed the big mausoleum field trip! I found me a right purty li’l ol’ rock t’ ‘member it by!”

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“Ooh, you got to pick up a nasty rock at a dusty old cemetery?! I’m SO impressed!!!…..NOT. If you MUST know, I was stuck here getting put off of grilled cheese forever by our disgusting, over sharing mother!”

I is not offs grilled cheezes!”

“But I haven’t even gotten to tell you about what happens once you’ve tied him to the bed! That’s the best part!”

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“Hey Al, maybe you should talk more to Rex about that rock….maybe it’s a rainbow rock! Then I could be for really real and we could be together…wouldn’t you like that, Al? Huh, wouldn’t you??”

“Look, Aldectone. Your name is actually AldActone, and we’ve all been saying it wrong through almost this whole legacy so far without noticing. That’s about how important you actually are to this story. Am I getting through to you here, Barbie?”

“You ok there Alopesha? You’re kinna talkin’ like mebbe the stuffin’ in your head is a li’l loose, like that ol’ chair ever since Snowy done went an’ sunk her claws innit…”

“Does thish mean I NO gets grilled cheesez…?”

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You might be asking yourself what Sara was up to during this whole exchange. (Probably not, though). Well, let’s just say she had some pressing business to attend to…

“Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap!!”

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Oh Sara, relax…Sims don’t do that; only number one!

“I can’t hold it much longer!!”

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“Oh no, it got in my SHOE!!”

At least you missed the baby…

“We can always get a new baby; I really like these shoes!”

“Whee, we can freeze this over and go ice skating!”

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“This is so embarrassing…thank heavens you were the only one to see it!”

Uhm…yeah…it can be our little secret…

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“Your little secret my sweet behind. What a way to enter toddlerhood. Thanks a lot, Mom.”

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“Welp, my maternal duties are done for the evening. You kids can fend for yourselves for the rest of the night; I’m going to bed.”

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“Ahh, finally, now I can relax with just me and my stink fumes. I’m not even going to acknowledge what Anorexia’s doing right now.”

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“Don’t you mind your purty head about me, Mawma, I’m jes’ puttin’ myself to beddy bye here.”

“Yup, that’s nice dear, I’m going to start dreaming about Nugget now. Zzzzzz….”

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“Hasn’t this jes been a great day, Alopesha? We moved back home, and ya got t’ stay home with Mawma and talk about color wheels, an’ I found me a rock, an’ our baby brother is now old enough to hang out with us’ns. I’ll bet t’morrow will jes be even better, mebbe we can take Aspie fishin’, an’ catch fish, an’….an’…..zzzzzz…”

“ZZZZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzz…”

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Aw, Amnesia…forgotten again?

“Yep. What else is new?”

You know, you really shouldn’t sit like that. The “w position” is apparently not good for toddlers.

“Lady, I’ve basically been forgotten my whole life. I’m sitting in a dark room while the rest of my fam’ly sweeps. Even my imaginary friend is ignoring me. I tink I got bigger problems than how I sits.”

….point taken. I’m sorry. 😦

“It’s ok. Spoiler alert: I get to gwow up in the next chapter! I can’t wait!”

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Well, alrighty then. I guess that about wraps it up for today. This was a way longer chapter than I’m used to writing, so I hope you guys liked it! Come back next time to see Amnesia grow up, and whatever else is going to happen!

OH! One other thing…I’ve noticed that Sara and Kurtis have been downloaded TWENTY TWO TIMES! WOW! I’m flattered, and slightly disturbed. I’m also burning with curiosity (at least, I hope that’s just curiosity)….who has them? What are they doing?? Have they ruined your life yet?! If you have any Simptoms, please feel free to comment on my new page and tell me all about them!

Thanks for reading…AND contracting our diseases!

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A.16 Tips for Keeping that Bounce House Safe

Howdy readers! Lately it’s been harder to update, now that my position at work has changed to something where I’m not at a desk all day. Not that I would use work time to do sims stuff or anything…..anyway…..we open up this chapter with Sara, once again left at home all alone with a houseful of hungry, smelly kids while Kurtis runs off to work. I didn’t take any pictures because seriously, do they need any more ammunition against their marriage? Nope.

In the midst of taking care of Amnesia, Sara completely forgets her daughter in favor of scolding her oldest son for…something. We’ll find out in a minute.

“Move it, kid, your rude thought bubble is in my way.” (Random kid is Nigel, bee tee dubs, and he came home with Al.)

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“Hmmm…I’ve never done this before…I’m not sure where to start…”

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“Oh well, may as well just jump right in! YELL!! YELLING IN SIMLISH!! WAVING OF THE ARMS IN ANGER!!!”

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“What?! What did I do, please don’t hit me!!”

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“I DON’T KNOW, WE’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL YOU GET A NEGATIVE MOODLET AS A RESULT OF THIS SCOLDING TO FIND OUT AND OF COURSE I WON’T HIT YOU, EA WOULD NEVER ALLOW THAT!!”

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“There. How’d I do?”

“Uh, person person MINUS, duh!”

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“Whatever, kid, go take a time out….what is it I’m punishing you for, anyway?”

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“Bad grades. And by the way, that wish I just had to hang out with you? Consider it CANCELLED.”

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“In your dreams, shortstop. Only real Sara can cancel a wish, and she won’t because this is a wishacy, so ‘duh’ yourself.”

“Oh please, you’re so Sims 2, Mother. It’s my hot body and I do what I want!”

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“He can’t do that, right?”

‘Fraid so, Sara. He disappeared a wish to hang out with you even though I locked it in. Alopecia’s magic.

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Shouldn’t you be in a corner somewhere…?

“Are you kidding me? I love the OUTDOORS. Ain’t no corner on this lot big enough to handle all this, know what I’m saying?”

…not really, no.

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Inside the house — where Alopecia SHOULD be — we find sad, hungry Amnesia.

“Mama still forgot me, didn’t she?”

….looks like it.

“Why I always forgotten?” ::sadface::

I don’t know…it started out as a joke, but now it just seems sad…

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For once, Amnesia’s not the only kid forgotten in the Simptoms house at the mo’; that kid Nigel’s been ignored the whole time he’s been here so he’s just chilling with the cats.

“Me can haz treat yes?”

“I want to scratch that.”

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“Aww, here little kitty, have this cat treat I just happen to be carrying around in my pocket for just such an occasion!”

“YAS YAS YAS!!”

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“I’m going to scratch that.”

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“All right!! I’m now better friends with this cat then the kid I came home with…”

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“I am scratching this.”

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“THE SENSATION OF FABRIC RIPPING BENEATH MY CLAWS….THE ABSOLUTE POWER OF UTTER WANTON DESTRUCTION…..IT IS GLORIOUS!!!”

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“Seriously, where did that kid even go?”

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“I need new friends. The ones I have are all garbage.”

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No, kid, YOU’RE garbage! Open your freaking eyes; who do you think you are, French Stewart? Consider yourself out of the spouse running, Nigel.

“But….I like the cat….here, is this better?”

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TOO FREAKING LATE, NIGEL! You were the weakest link. Good-bye.

So. Yeah. That’s all I’ve got for now, guys. In fact, I haven’t actually gotten to play since early May, and, although I’ve been trying to drag out what pictures I took then to last as long as possible, I no longer have enough left for even the semblance of an update.  But anyway, when I DO come back, be prepared for:

DRAMA!!!

BIRTHDAYS!!!!

MOVING!!!!

ROMANCE!!!

CATS!!!!

AND EVEN MOAR STUFF AND THINGS!!!!!!!!

OR MAYBE NONE OF THOSE THINGS!!!!!!

4 Comments

A.15 How Many Zzzz’s Do You Need?

Hidey ho, new and not so new readers! Last time, the adult Simptoms both began midlife crises, which I’m sure the deep and abiding love they have for each other has by now stricken from their moodlet panel. Right guys?

“My belly feels weird. I better not be pregnant, KURTIS.”

“Are you kidding me? I’m too tired to even THINK about wink wink nudge nudge right now.”

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“Oh, you’re tired! YOU’RE tired?? Seriously?! I can’t even begin to count how many days this poor body has housed YOUR children, and YOU’RE tired!”

“Every time you say ‘tired,’ I get more tired!! I can barely keep my eyes open!”

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Erm. Let’s just go check on the household’s second prospective couple and leave these two in peace for a bit.

“Wowzee Snowy, mes sure wishes to be yous paw whiles you washes yous face — “

“No.”

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Sheesh, Snow, give the kid a break. Look at that sad little kitten face….

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“Sad? Maybe you should take a closer look and see what he’s really thinking…”

“Mmm, DAT TAIL!”

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Oh. Uhm. I see your point. Moving on to the third prospective couple of the house…

“Wut.”

“I KNOW you aren’t talking about ME with McStuffin here!”

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Oh, come on, Al…I’ve been wanting to make an IF real for FOREVER. And you guys are already so close!

“Uh NO. Not EVEN if struck by lunacy! I deserve a real person to be my heir spouse!”

“Me me me me me me me me….”

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“Aldectone, go stand in the corner! I’d rather look at this beetle Nugget brought me than think about marrying your ragtag self one day.”

“Sadface.”

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“Ah, son. I remember when I was your age and had my whole life ahead of me. Smooth, unlined skin, no shrew of a wife to deal with…the world was my hot dog.”

You do not. You were created as a YA in CAS. You were never that age!

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“Shhh, let me just have this moment….”

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“Remember, son: the world is your hotdog. Don’t make the same mistake I did and just settle for the first Sim you’re dropped into a house with. There are plenty of pixels in the game!”

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“I hear him in there….shrew! Plenty of PIXELS?! The NERVE of him…let’s see how much he likes his pancake after I’ve used it to dust the cobwebs off the ceiling! I’ll SHOW him SHREW!”

I….just took this picture to show how good you are at flipping pancakes now….

::is oblivious::

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You two clearly need some time to reconnect…how about a nice, relaxing breakfast together?

“She stinks. I want to divorce her.”

Nooooo….

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“I only stink because my armpits are tired of his face. I want to divorce him.”

….NOOOOO!!!!

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“It’s too late for you to make that wish. I wished it first, so when we break up, it will be because I dumped you, not the other way around.”

“Oh, look who’s suddenly not too tired to act like a total, irrational child.”

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“If he’s sitting here, I’m getting up. I imagine he’s probably too ‘tired’ to deal with my ‘shrewishness’ right now anyway.”

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“Fine by me. Now I can enjoy your crappy cooking in peace.”

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“Whoa there, Wilbur, might wanna slow down on eating my ‘crappy cooking.’ Wouldn’t want to pack on a few too many extra pixels of your own and appear unsightly to all the ones floating around in the game just WAITING with baited breath for me to be dumped by you, now would you?”

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“….is that a spider?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

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“Eh, wouldn’t be the worst thing you’ve made. As soon as I’m done forcing down this sludge, I’ll get one of my wishes fulfilled so I can lock in the one to dump you. That way, I’ll get a hella bunch of points, which I’ll probably use to find someone who can ACTUALLY COOK.”

“I can’t believe you! I gave you the best years of my life! My body has been irreparably ruined by carrying your litter, and you have the absolute gall to make a wish to divorce ME!”

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“Sorry, too busy nomming to hear you talk about how fat you are now.”

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“…I can’t even stand to look at you anymore.”

“NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!”

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“Wow, I…I feel so much better! I don’t want to divorce Sara! I was just hungry!”

O_O

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Quick, Sara, get in the shower! Maybe you’re just dirty and don’t actually want a divorce!

::huff:: “FINE. But I’m NOT doing it for HIM.”

Whatever, I don’t care about reasons…only results!

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I thought I took the kind of screen shots that showed the wish queue and all that, but I guess I didn’t, so just pretend to be anxiously watching for the divorce wish to disappear while Sara showers…

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….and showers….

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….and….

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….showers…

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“Are you people just going to stand out there and stare at me naked the whole time?? It’s a little disconcerting to have an audience while lathering the nethers, you know!”

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Get rid of that wish, and you can have all the privacy you want, sweet cheeks. And you might want to make it snappy; I’m pretty sure I have the Decensor installed now. If you don’t like being ogled through frosted glass, I don’t imagine being left out in the open without your blur box is going to be that comfortable for you.

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“Oh, for llamas sake, have it your way! Divorces are expensive anyway.” ::wishes for a flu shot::

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And there you have it, kids! When your marriage is in trouble, just give Dr. Sara’s (copyright symbol) triedandtrue Pancake and Shower Remedy (patent pending) a whirl! Come back later to find out if this marriage was TRULY saved, or if KurtSar will collapse once again at the first signs of hunger or stank armpits!

2 Comments

VOTE FOR ZEKE!

Erm, yeah, I know this is a bit unusual, but if you guys could take a moment to vote for this awesome baby boy, the Simptoms will love you long time! No registration, hardly any time, just a little click! Thanks peoples!

http://harfordbaby.org/zeke-j-3/

8 Comments

A.14 Having Changes in Vision?

When we last left the Simptoms, Sara was hugging her kids —

“Yesssss…….closer…..tighter……”

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Uh. Yeah. So….anyway….later, someone, I guess Al, has a friend over. She’s a cute little blonde, so Sara has a little chat with her regarding her future with the Simptom family.

“Look kid. I know what your intentions are…you think you’re gonna just schmooze your way in here and become an heir spouse. Well just forget it. This legacy is garbage anyway.”

“Whatever, lady, I’m just here for the free food.”

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“I like the way you think, kid….Welp, gotta go, birthday time, wahoo! Wooo, Kurtis, it’s yo birthday!!”

“….it is?”

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“Yes, and that means it’s also MY birthday! Woooohoooo, Alopecia, aren’t you EXCITED?!”

“Srsly. I had to have been adopted.”

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“Wooooo, one step closer to INFERTILITY!!”

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::rolls wish for another child:: “NO! That doesn’t count; my wish queue is full, see??”

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“C’mon, baby, you know we have to have one more anyway….now’s as good a time to get started on that as any, right? Wink wink nudge nudge?”

What are you two whispering about over there…?

“Is this Anorexia’s poop….or…..?”

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Seriously, guys….we don’t need another baby right now….guys?

“Don’t listen to her, baby. You know you want it. Look deeeeeep into my eyes and tell me you don’t want it.”

“Pretty sure this is Anorexia’s poop….”

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“….you’re so right! I DO want to try for baby right now!”

No! Do not want! I forbid it! Be strong, Sara!!

“Cool. Meet me in the bedroom in your naughty wear wink wink nudge nudge.”

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Sara, have some respect for yourself and put your clothes back on! Great sky llamas, don’t you know this is exactly what the patriarchy wants…to keep you pregnant and dependent on your man forever and ever and ever??

“Eh, he has a point; we have to have one more anyway….may as well get it over with.”

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Ah geeze guys, not in front of the kids….

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“All right, Amy, since I may have just gotten your mom knocked up with number five (and six?), it’s probably about time you learned to use the pot.”

“Why, so you guys have one more excuse to ignore me? Not gonna happen!”

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While Kurtis attempts to get Amnesia housebroken, our two pets get acquainted. Hey ya’ll, it’s been posited that you guys start your own legacy….a catacy, if you will. What do you think?

“HewWO nurse! Get a woad of doze bazooooombas!! ::pant pant pant::”

“I think not.”

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Snowy decides she needs to take a walk to clear her head, and, hopefully, find someone a little less pervy to commiserate with.

“…..and to think, I may be expected to BREED with that dirty little fleabag!”

Mmmm, THIS dirty fleabag would sure love to curl up on my people’s bed with you and do some breeding of my own….

Poor Snowy. Good thing she can’t see his thought bubble.

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Back at home, Amnesia’s efforts to rebel against the patriarchy have apparently backfired.

“He put me back in my cwib….and I’m still stinky.”

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“Hey bald kid! I STIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNKKKK!!”

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“I KNOW you did NOT just wake me up! How do YOU like being screamed at and kept awake ALL NIGHT LONG??!”

“Teehee, heavy sleeper trait activate! Night night!”

“This is unacceptable. I MUST get my own room, STAT.”

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…..fair enough.

“What? You call THIS a ‘room?’ Where is the decor? The luxury? The fung schway??! We will not stand for this, right, Aldectone?”

“Sure thing, buddy! This place suuuucks!”

You suck at this “easily impressed” thing, Alopecia. Let’s just try that “being grateful you don’t have to sleep in a room full of babies and toddlers” thing, mmmkay?

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“whatEVER, it’s totally too LATE. I’m already far too exhausted to make it back home from school tomorrow and plan to pass out on the pavement. See?”

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Whatever yourself, you little punk; I posted the screenshots out of order in this update and that one is “totally” from before you got your own room. So there.

“There’s my wittle babykins! Who’s gonna be a big brother soon? Huh? Who is it? Who is it? Is it YOU?”

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Hahaha, not so fast there, bub.

“What….what’s happening…? Birthday??”

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“But…..it’s too soon! I’m too young to be an elder!!”

Rex’s only contribution during this chapter (outside of the poop): ::plink::

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Oh, calm down, you big baby. My computer just crashed; you’re not an elder. Yet.

“Oh, riiiiight, I see. Who has two thumbs and just brought sexxi back? Come at me, ladies.”

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“Yaaaay…..it’s my birthday…..again…..”

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“So….nothing in this chapter actually happened?”

Technically, no. So even of you had been pregnant (spoiler alert: you weren’t), you aren’t now.

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“And this could happen anytime? We could just keep doing the same things over and over and over like in Groundhog Day?”

Pretty much, yeah.

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“Hmmm….I don’t have many handiness skills…think I’ll put myself out of my own misery and try to fix the tv….”

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Seriously, Sara? Get a grip and step away from the electronic death machine. I don’t know what the big deal is; you’ll both just make the same wishes over, bada bing, bada boom, you’ll try for baby again, which, as you pointed out before, you have to do anyway….

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“You might want to go take a look at Kurtis’s latest wish, oh wise and all-knowing one.”

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FML.

I guess that’s it for now, folks. Next time: more plot? (Probably not). Will Snowy actually fall for Nugget?? (Doubtful). Will Sara and Kurtis get over this little rough patch and have another baby?! (Eventually….maybe….). While pondering those, and many other valuable universal quandaries, please enjoy a picture of Nugget singing a song about mice!

“When is a moush not a moush is a moush! A moush is the moush for me, oh!”

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2 Comments

Samples!

While the Simptoms aren’t technically on hiatus or anything like that, it might be a minute before I’m able to update. I have enough pictures for one more chapter, but I kind of want to play a little first bc I feel like An Infectious Legacy has gotten a little hodge podgy. Don’t be nice; you feel that way, too.

MEANWHILE, though, one of my favorite legacies, Sample a Brave Legacy, is currently holding an heir poll so why don’t ya’ll mosey on over there and get an eyeful, mmmkay? And don’t forget to vote! (If you have trouble deciding, just go with Sawyer. 😉 ) Thanks, and see you guys soon!

Sneak peek of next chapter coming up in three, two, one….

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4 Comments

A.13 Maintaining Healthy Joints

Welcome back to An Infectious Legacy! The last post concluded with the birth of the Simptoms’ fourth and next-to-last (hopefully oh please let that be true) child, Asperger. Aspie is named for Asperger Syndrome, which is sometimes characterized as a high functioning form of autism, and sometimes viewed as just a different cognitive style, depending on who you ask.

The very first time I’d ever heard of Asperger was back when I still watched America’s Next Top Model and Heather Kuzmich from Cycle 9 came along. Here’s Heather in one of her best photo shoots:

 

The Girls Go Rock Climbing

“The Girls Go Rock Climbing” — The girls are left hanging in the air for an edgy fashion photo shoot on a rock-climbing wall, on America’s Next Top Model on The CW. Pictured: Heather Photo: Matthew Jordan Smith/Pottle Productions Inc ©2007 Pottle Productions Inc. All Rights Reserved.

Fierce, isn’t she?  Heather took awesome shots and prolly could have won, except for the parts where she had to deal with people, which was her ultimate downfall. Asperger’s main characteristic, as far as most people are concerned, is an air of heavy social awkwardness. People with Asperger seem to march to the beat of their own tambourine; they may say things that don’t seem to make a lot of sense, or they may not say anything at all.  A lot of Aspies are really good at sensory things — music, crafts, things like that. They are so incredibly smart and creative, which is where the divide between embracing Asperger — and autism — as variations of normal rather than afflictions that need to be cured comes in. Some of the most talented, creative people out there have Asperger, like one of my most favorite ladies ever, and this guy, who comprises Owl City. Most of you probably know the song “Fireflies,” but this one is my personal favorite:

SO. I deviated a bit when it came to Asperger’s traits; before, I was just randomizing everyone…not that I had a choice; usually, I simfailed so much that traits were automatically assigned, which I could have changed with Master Controller, but didn’t see the point in. But then I thought it might be entertaining to assign traits based on the illness when applicable, and so, since Sara apparently had a decent pregnancy with Aspie —

“Only because I was hoping for twins so I could be done.”

— I was actually allowed to pick one of his traits. He was born with Heavy Sleeper, and I gave him Eccentric, figuring that works well with Asperger…..

You know what? I just realized all that’s a lie; I’m actually thinking of the latest Mylipone baby. I have no idea what Asperger’s traits are; all I know for sure is his favorite color is blue. Aspie was born right before my big hiatus and I’ve only played once since then. I’ll have to get a chance to play, or at least look up my notes, to see what his actual traits are. In the meantime, there’s this….

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Behold, the first picture I took after my months long break. It doesn’t really have much to do with anything as it was actually just a test shot, since I’d forgotten how to take screen shots, but you can get a good look at the layout of the house. If you’re expecting a lot of decorating, prepare for disappointment; you are definitely looking at the wrong blog.

This is what I saw when I first opened up the Simptoms. Sara’s taking a well-earned shower, washing off the afterbirth, while Kurtis either surveys his heirdom or endures a lecture from Anorexia. Asperger is lying peacefully in the wrong crib, Alopecia is finally asleep, and Amnesia is forgotten, as usual. Snowy is sleeping out in the living area, and…..wait. Who or what is that…..?

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“I gots a pea, I gots a pea! why’s evey body laffins at me? if you find a riddle pea upon the floor after I weave, I tinks it pwobaby bewongs to mes!

Everyone, Nugget. Who is Nugget, you ask? I have no idea, I answer. Either the Sims’ AI has developed to the point where they can now autonomously do things like adopt pets even when the game is off, or Sara did it before I quit playing and I forgot. Either way, an animal rolling around in urine seems to fit right in around here.

Speaking of animals right at home with human waste…

“Hello, everyone! It’s me, your friendly University Mascot, here to convince you that your life is unfulfilling and your career prospects dire without the benefit of going to college and immersing yourself in crushing debt that you will spend the rest of your life attempting to repay while still earning meager paychecks and struggling to get by!”

………

Uhm….stay in school, kids.

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Oh, hey Sara…that’s not Asperger you’re eating, is it?

“Of course not. It turns out that ridiculous outfit you forced me into was made entirely of sugar that was giving my brain cavities and making me crazy.  I never would have said those things about eating the kids otherwise.”

But….you were saying them before —

“Shhh, Mama’s eating right now.”

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Ok….so are you going to get the door?

“Are you kidding me?  This is the first solid meal I’ve had in months; I’m not even going to risk getting up to empty that disgusting potty chair, even though it’s making everything taste a little like sulphur….do you really think I’m going to go open the door to some psycho in a llama skin?”

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“Besides…does THIS look like the face of someone who belongs in University?”

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“Wait, actually, on second thought….kids aren’t allowed to go to University, are they?” ::rolls wish to go to University::

Sorry, Sara, your wish queue’s all full up!

::huff:: “FINE. Then I’ll just go to bed….but I’m keeping my eyes open so he doesn’t sneak attack and get me knocked up again!”

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Ahhh, a peacefully sleeping household. Let’s take a moment to appreciate this rare, blessed event while it lasts.

The adored eldest son:

“Alopecia Simptoms, it is a crime to look so fine! I’m going to have to throw the book at you, hehehehezzzzz…..”

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The prodigal second:

“I see you looking at me. I refuse to allow you to perceive my inner thoughts by spying upon my thought bubbles.”

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The much longed for newest baby…oh! I looked up his traits; he is apparently Artistic and Friendly. Heh.

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And, of course, the doted upon and treasured only daughter….wait.  Amnesia, why are you awake??  You’re ruining my tranquil family picture series!

“Dowwies don’t like for us to sweep. Dowwy’s singing the selfie song to keep me awake.”

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Sara, get up, your daughter’s ruining my illusion of peace and tranquility….fix it!!

“Sigh….Sara do this….Sara do that….Sara get pregnant but never eat the babies….hey kid. What’s this I hear about you being kept awake by your imaginary friend singing what should really have stayed an imaginary song? You’re a heavy sleeper; you should be able to block that mess right out.”

“Oh yeah….I forgot! ZZZzzzzzzz….”

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“I’m awesome at this parenting thing.  As a reward, I’m going to start working on my science fiction novel at home so I can be closer to my brood and bond better with them and stuff.”

The library banned you, didn’t they?

“Yep.”

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“Oh hey, it says on the internets that they finally found out what happened with that plane — oh. Oh no. It says all lives were lost and there were no survivors.”

Yeah.  I know.

“Well, that makes me very sad. Can you put a picture up of me looking very sad so that the readers all know how I feel?”

Sorry, Sara, none of the pictures I have on my phone show you looking particularly sad and I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting a chance to play anytime soon.

“Oh.  Well, you’re sort of arty or something; make something to post here so that everyone knows how sad we are for those poor people.”

Erm….ok….

Well, it’s not exactly Van Gogh or anything, and it was way more trouble than it was worth to upload it, but here you go:

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“It will do.  I would like to go hug my children now.”

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I wasn’t originally planning on ending here, but, on that surprisingly sensitive note, I sort of feel like concluding this chapter so that you all can go hug your kids (or your parents, or your dogs, or your IFs) as well.

Love and chicken grease, ya’ll.  ❤

8 Comments

A.12 Grinding Teeth During Sleep

Hey people, thanks for coming back! Today, I thought we’d do a little “getting to know you” piece, featuring Alopecia, as our first candidate for heirdom.

“Hey ever’one, I’m a real boy (or girl) now!!”

“Bish, please. I know you didn’t just get all up in my juice trying to steal MY feature post.”

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“Aw, come on, Al! Aren’tcha glad I can finally walk around and talk and stuff and live in your home with you all the time??”

“Oh, don’t mind me, just pottying in a corner of the living room like a common indigent of some sort…”

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“Uh, does this LOOK like the face of a glad person…? I don’t need you prancing and dancing around, trying to steal all my thunder, so you best just step off, puff n’ stuff, ’cause ain’t no one around here more real than ME.”

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“But Al! Don’tcha remember our big plans for me to be real one day and work in a disco ball factory so’s I can bring home lotsa free disco balls and make ever’thing all shiny and sparkly and stuff?!”

“DISCO BALLS?? Why didn’t you say so! Disco balls are FAB-U-LOUS!!”

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“I wuv you, dolly. I don’t mind of you steal my spotlight….nobody ever ‘members me anyway.”

Awww….sad Amnesia is sad. 😦

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“Now that I’ve managed to ditch the doll, I wanna get down to the real point of this post….the ladies.”

Ladies? Really? Are you sure…?

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“Stop interrupting. LADIES of the Sim world, hear me out: I know I may not be perceived as good looking like say your Franco Bookabet, your Cocaine Chimeree, or your Hunter Sample…”

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“I’m here to tell you all: your perceptions are wrong. Although you may not be able to see it yet, I am obviously the finest specimen of Sim man meat that ever has or ever will grace your screens. Once you’ve reeled me in, no need to go casting about for anyone else. And, even though I want only the best, I’m easily impressed, so it won’t be hard for that special someone to convince me that’s what you are.”

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“One last thing: don’t even be trying to cram your nasty girl feet in my gold flippy floppies. Once you’re with me and First Lady of the Simptoms, you can buy your own dang shoes.”

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“I know this post is supposed to be all about Alopecia making himself out to be the most attractive possible heir, but between you and me, I think he’s blowing it. Quick, cat, so something cute to distract the readers.”

“Like I’m falling for that. Besides, I’m on team Rex.”

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“I see how it is….want something done, you gotta do it yourself. ::pees self:: Hey readers, look! My water just broke….another Simptom baby is on the way!!”

“Don’t be daft, Mother; everyone knows that young Sims, colloquially often referred to as ‘nooboos,’ are in no need of amniotic fluid, as they emerge fully blanketed and diapered from the parent Sim’s plumbob, like the one photo bombing this shot to your right.”

“Kid, you either watch too much tv or not enough.”

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“Ok kids, I’ve had enough of all ya’ll. I need some me time to work on that mommy porn that’s gonna make us all really rich while all the sexually frustrated housewives are primed up for that new Shades of Grey movie. Last one in bed is gonna be my evening snack!”

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“Whoops, too late….I must’ve accidentally eaten that girl kid. Girl kids are awfully hard to digest….must be all that hair….”

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“I’m wite here Mama, sheesh. Can’t you smell me? How loud’s a girl gotta scweam to get a cwean diaper awound here??”

“moTHER, can’t you take her and get out; all this noise is clogging my pores!!”

“Years of therapy will never be sufficient to make up for the damage my family is causing to my psyche….”

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“Aw crap, this isn’t indigestion; I’m in labor. Again.”

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“Did I hear someone say they’re in labor? I’ll be more than happy to assist; just drop your pants and we can begin!”

“Yes….some lucky psychotherapist out there is destined to make a modest fortune off of me sometime in the not so distant future….”

“Hewwo?? I still stink!”

“heLLO?! She’s still SCREAMING!”

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“Wait…..wait….I was just hungry. False alarm!”

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“Nope, never mind. I’m in labor….AND I’m hungry, surrounded by whining children I’m prohibited from eating while yet another one tears through my burning loins. FML.”

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::hours later::

“Behold. I have created new life….hey, where did everyone go?”

Well, Alopecia wandered off with Aldectone to do whatever it is they do, Anorexia’s passed out in the hopes that all of this was just a horrible dream, and Amnesia’s right in front of you.

“Who? Never mind, it’s not important. Behold, Asperger, another son to grace with the family name!”

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This concludes the chaotic, and fairly traumatizing birth of the Simptoms’ fourth child, whose traits and stuff I conveniently forgot so you would have an excuse to come back and read some more. Toodles!

4 Comments

A.11 Moisturize Your Diabetic Feet

Goooood morning, readers, and welcome back to the Simptoms’ Infectious Legacy, where nothing makes sense and everyone’s a bit wonky.

Today’s update finds Sara….at the library. Wow, art really does imitate life.

“I was coming to inform that lady that leggings do not equal pants, but then I felt the stirring bud of new life in my womb yet again. Yay.”

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Yay indeed! Another Simptom baby is on the way…only one more left to go!

“Yes…and then I’ll finally have enough kids to try out some new recipes. These pancakes just aren’t cutting it as is.”

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“Is she….does she truly intend to turn her offspring into PANCAKES?! What sort of mad house have I come to?!”

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“Hey, you…Kid 1. Wake up and bask in the glow of your newly pregnant mother!”

“moTHER, that glow is just the green stank from your overripe armpits, now step off and let a boy get his beauty sleep in peace! Zzz zzzz zzzz….”

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While Sara’s off taking care of her “glow,” let’s spend a few moments with Kurtis, who hasn’t had much air time lately. Kurtis, anything you’d like to share with the readers?

“As a matter of fact, there is! Look at these kids. Aren’t they all neat? Wouldn’t you think my collection’s complete?”

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“Wouldn’t you think I’m a Sim, a Sim who has everything?”

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“Look at this room, all full of cribs. This room is bigger, and I had first dibs…”

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“But now we have all these kids, and the kids, they take everything…”

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“That bald one still thinks like an infant, and demands new strange things every day.”

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“You want crybabies?”

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“I’ve got two of them.”

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“But who cares? No big deal; she wants more.”

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“…..she wants more…..”

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Come back later to see if having another kid finally drives Kurtis over the edge, and what Snowy will do now that she (yes, I know I said “he” in an earlier chapter; that was a lie) has a taste of the Simptoms madness!