Hello, buenos dios, and aloha, readers!
Good news! Once I dl’d the WP app, WordPress saw how hard a time I was having and updated so that it would take me less than five years just to do one lousy update. Thanks, wordpress!
Bad news: updating takes up data like WHOA and, between not having the internets at home and SnowJam14, it’s taken a little longer to get this chapter up and at ’em anyway. Say la vee.
When last we saw those crazy Simptoms, their children were being poorly cared for, their newly adopted cat was exhibiting more sense than most of the humans, and Kurtis was running away from a laboring Sara.
Basically, just your usual, ordinary day.
Welp, guess we should probably check up on Sara and see about getting her to the hospital —
“Oh, no need. Birthed this baby by myself. Like. A. Boss.”
Everyone, meet Amnesia, first girl born to the legacy and therefore, according to Susan’s theory, already the heir forerunner by virtue of her gender. Baby Amnesia is an artistic heavy sleeper. The condition of amnesia is, according to Wikipedia “a deficit in memory caused by brain damage, disease, or psychological trauma,” like that chick in one of my most favoritist movies ever, Fifty First Dates.
This gentleman here is Benjaman Kyle. He was found in Richmond Hill, Georgia, and nobody, including Mr. Kyle, knows who he is due to his case of dissociative amnesia. If you happen to know who he is, let someone know, mmmkay? Personally, I think he looks a lot like Nicholas Cage, so if you’re reading this, Nick Cage, come get your long lost somebody already!!
“Aherm, welcome everyone! I’d like to call this meeting of the HAWASG to order.”
“Erm, excuse me, but I think we’re in the wrong blog…”
“Ah yes, quite right, quite….I was only checking your powers of observation there. An animal in the wild must always be in tippity top form, don’t you know? Excellent use of your instincts, youngling!”
“Ugh, I’m sick of my life being a constant revolving door of diaper changing, birthing, and recipe research. Even poisoning my husband has lost its spark. It’s so boring around here you don’t even take pictures of anything relevant anymore! I’m blowing this Popsicle stand for somewhere more glamorous, more adventuresome, and with better cookbooks…..to the library, Jockey! And don’t make me have to use my spurs.”
“What?? Mother! You can’t leave me here alone with these impossibly imbecilic cretins!!”
“Oh, I’m on the floor now, am I? It’s my bloody BIRTHDAY, is it?? Well, I refuse to participate in these celebratory shenanigans! I shall simply lie here as an infant until the sight of my stunted, ageless body brings my mother to her knees!!”
“…..CURSE YOU EA!!!!”
“Helllllo, delicious, delectable family, I have ret—good llama, what is THAT?? Where did my savory little baby go….and HOW DID THESE CLOTHES GET BACK ON ME??!”
Well, you know what you’ve gotta do to get out of that outfit. And, lucky for you, Kurtis just rolled a wish to have a baby!
“Another one?? But…I’m so TIRED…”
Yeah, yeah, it’s a little too late to be regretting those bad life decisions now. Just go drink a Red Bull and get on in there…I hear they give you wings!
“Darling honey sugar booger, could you put a Red Bull on ice for me? I hear they give you wings, but I’d pretty much settle for a few really long feathers at this point.”
“Sorry dear, I gave the last one to little Al here. He really needed it to get a handle on this walking thing. Also you’ll be easier to run from during one of your binges if you’re pretty tired.”
“Hmmm….I actually am feeling a little peckish right now. I’ll bet that kid tastes just like buffalo wings now that he’s drank my Red Bull. But…blast! I can’t sample him with the husband so close…”
“The good thing about having all these kids is Kurtis will probably never even notice if I eat a few here and there. I don’t even think he knows I’ve birthed the newest little appetizer yet. I could eat that one now and just pretend that my labor was a false alarm. He’ll never know the difference!“
“Oh man….I was going to eat the little one, but….I’m SO hungry! Sorry, boy #2, I really like you, but I’m so starved that I think I’ll like you much better in my belly.”
“I’m sorry, Mother, but I believe you are confused…the belly is widely understood to be an exit only area in terms of one’s own offspring.”
“Shhh, baby, just be still…I just need to unhinge my jaw a little so you’ll fit….”
And that about wraps things up for this post, folks! Come back to find out if Sara manages to unhinge her jaw successfully (probably not), a new Simptoms baby is lurking on the horizon (almost definitely), and where Snowy has been all this time (cat bar, drinking away his sorrows).