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A.17 Strengthening Your Brain

When last we left our fearless, dysfunctional family, Alopecia was in time out, Amnesia was being ignored, Sara was being overwhelmed, and I can’t remember what everyone else was doing.

“I can not beLIEVE Mother had the absolute GALL to put me, ME, in time out! How dare she, what if people SEE me?! My reputation among the little people will be just RUINED.”

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“Oh Al, cheer up! When the sun shines, we’ll shine together! Told you I’d be here forever! Said I’ll always be a friend, took an oath I’ma stick it out ’til the end! Now that it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other! You can stand under my umbrella! You can stand under my umbrella! Ella ella!”

“What. Are you. TALKING about?! You embarrass me, raggedy Aldy.”

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“You know, for someone who’s supposed to be easily impressed, you’re kind of a hard sell.”

“Oh, I’m easily impressed all right…by MYSELF, because I’M AWESOME!!1!”

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Meanwhile, inside…

“I have been told that one does one’s best thinking upon the waste elimination apparatus. Upon experimentation, I have found that this hypothesis rings true and have thus reached new conclusions of my own.”

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“Namely, this small, immature body is no longer suitable for my highly superior mind, and it is therefore high time that I metamorphose into the exceptionally bright, and, no doubt, evil child I am destined to become.”

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“Has it happened yet? Do I look evil?”

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Well…in a manner of speaking…do you FEEL evil?

“Not really…unless a mighty big urge to just go take a rod for a nice, cool dip in yonder pond is what you might call evil.”

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Angler. What a tremendously useful new trait. Now we basically have Bear Grylls.

“What?! My baby is growing up into a REDNECK?! I can’t handle this…I’m taking a nap here, and when I wake up, I’m going to need to get pregnant AS SOON AS POSSIBLE in order to replace the failure Alopecia had become.”

Uhm, that’s Anorexia…

“Whatever, wake me up when Kurtis and his impregnation device come home…Zzzzzz…..”

“Mama, I STINK….oh, nevar mind. I can’t wait to gwow up.”

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“Really, Mawma, I don’t know why me bein’ an outdoorsy kinda guy is so abhorrent an’ all to ya. I mean, think of all the great outdoorsmen I got to look up to: Steve Irwin — “

“Killed by a jellyfish.”

“Jacques Cousteau — “

“French.”

“AND Bear Grylls.”

“Has two sons named Huckleberry and MARMADUKE!!”

“Mawma, it was a sting ray, you’re bein’ racist, an’ I really don’t think you have room to talk considerin’ the name thing.”

“I can’t even look at you right now.”

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Later….

“What?! How did we — you did NOT just move us AGAIN!”

I’m sorry!! I had to…ya’ll were way too freaking laggy!

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“How are we ever supposed to settle down and make friends with you always moving us around?! One day we’re in Lunar Lakes, then we’re on Starlight Shores, and now we’re…we’re…where the crap are we now??”

Twinbrook. Isn’t it nice?

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“Isn’t Twinbrook where everyone likes to start their Uglacies?? I don’t want to have ugly grandchildren!!!”

“Calm the shrill, Mother; it’s not genetically possible for a fine face like this to have ugly babies! Z snap!”

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Yeah, what he said…I guess…so pipe down! I was tempted to just drop you on an empty lot and make you start from scratch like MOST legacies do, you know, so be grateful for your proper house. See how nice it looks, all ready for you and your litter to cover it with rotten food and blue urine…it’s a completely fresh start!

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“Riiiight, a ‘fresh start’ that just happened to include wish queues cleared of midlife crises.”

That was an unforeseen side effect, but you gotta admit, it’s a great opportunity to really work on your marriage and strengthen your bond, am I right, Kurtis? …Kurtis? Are you — did you just wish to send someone a text message?!

“Chill, lady, it’s for my LTW, promise!”

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“Well, Ah for one am sure mighty glad t’ be movin’ to a town with schools proactive enough t’ go ahead n’ send homework t’ kids who haven’t even attended yet. Ah can’t wait t’ learn all about thermal dynamics n’ weather shifts, an’ how all that affects our great country’s water life. How ’bout you, Alopesha, what kinna homework are you workin’ on?”

“Homework? Puh-LEASE. Homework would strain my beautiful face and give me wrinkles, you silly grub; this here’s the first draft of my future best selling autobiography! Now stop your jawing, I can’t hear what Mother’s calling Father through all the marbles in your mouth. Mother, can you shout a little louder, please?”

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“Oh look, our neighbors have come t’ welcome us!”

“Great! I will regale them with song! Let me just warm up first….LA LA LA LA LA!”

“Are you sure this is gonna work, Hildy? These people don’t really look like the kind that would fall for your big plan…”

“Are you kidding me, these rubes are perfect! Just trust me…and call me Edith!”

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“Hil — er, EdithAmerican Hustle was a MOVIE. It’s not something you can just do in real life.”

“Hush, IRVING; you didn’t even stay awake through the whole thing! The trick is to start small, and you really can’t start any smaller than with people like this. What is that bald kid even doing?”

“He’s regalin’ you with song, ma’m.”

“OoooooOoooooOooo! ARRIBA ARRIBA DOE RAY ME FA SO LA TEE DOE!!!”

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“This is what I’m missing the game for?”

“Well, he’s jus’ warmin’ up right now. He’ll get t’ the good part soon.”

::loogy hawking sounds::

“My, I had no idea humans could get hair balls….cough it up, dear; there’s a good lad!”

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“Ok, I’m done. I doubt these people even have anything worth stealing…maybe I’ll make it home in time for kickoff!”

“You’re right, Hal; this was a silly plan. When we get home, I’ll start calling up some friends; maybe we can get enough to try out that thing they did on Ocean’s Eleven!”

“Well, it sure was nice of ya’ll to stop by! Ya’ll come back now, y’hear!”

“I CAN BE YOUR HERO BABY!!!”

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After a long, trying day of arguing and inadvertently thwarting neighborly scamming attempts, the Simptoms head off to sleep. Except the movers apparently weren’t able to fit Sara and Kurtis’s bed into the house, forcing the couple to spend a night in the great outdoors…only Kurtis can’t manage to get into bed at all.

“I’ve had it with this town. Woman, get up! We’re going back home!”

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“….and that, son, is when I realized why so many women love Fifty Shades of Gray. Holy cow, when your dad was so forceful with me, it was, hmmmm…hot!”

“Mother, PLEASE!” I’m EATING here!”

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“Alopecia, I’m just trying to help you for when you’re old enough to find an Edward of your own. When your dad spoke to me like that, my subconscious may have been pursing her prissy little lips in disapproval, but, holy moly, my inner goddess was pole vaulting right out of her skimpy little designer thong, you hear what I’m saying? Oh my…”

I hear what you’re saying, and I’ve never wished so hard to be a strictly imaginary character in my life. Kid, you mind helping a friend out and banging that thing a little louder?”

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“You know, I could have been the greatest erotic fiction author known to man, if you kids hadn’t come along and ruined everything.”

“….I’m never going to be able to eat grilled cheese again, am I?”

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“G’afternoon, all ya’ll! Alopesha, where were you t’day, ya missed the big mausoleum field trip! I found me a right purty li’l ol’ rock t’ ‘member it by!”

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“Ooh, you got to pick up a nasty rock at a dusty old cemetery?! I’m SO impressed!!!…..NOT. If you MUST know, I was stuck here getting put off of grilled cheese forever by our disgusting, over sharing mother!”

I is not offs grilled cheezes!”

“But I haven’t even gotten to tell you about what happens once you’ve tied him to the bed! That’s the best part!”

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“Hey Al, maybe you should talk more to Rex about that rock….maybe it’s a rainbow rock! Then I could be for really real and we could be together…wouldn’t you like that, Al? Huh, wouldn’t you??”

“Look, Aldectone. Your name is actually AldActone, and we’ve all been saying it wrong through almost this whole legacy so far without noticing. That’s about how important you actually are to this story. Am I getting through to you here, Barbie?”

“You ok there Alopesha? You’re kinna talkin’ like mebbe the stuffin’ in your head is a li’l loose, like that ol’ chair ever since Snowy done went an’ sunk her claws innit…”

“Does thish mean I NO gets grilled cheesez…?”

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You might be asking yourself what Sara was up to during this whole exchange. (Probably not, though). Well, let’s just say she had some pressing business to attend to…

“Oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap oh crap!!”

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Oh Sara, relax…Sims don’t do that; only number one!

“I can’t hold it much longer!!”

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“Oh no, it got in my SHOE!!”

At least you missed the baby…

“We can always get a new baby; I really like these shoes!”

“Whee, we can freeze this over and go ice skating!”

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“This is so embarrassing…thank heavens you were the only one to see it!”

Uhm…yeah…it can be our little secret…

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“Your little secret my sweet behind. What a way to enter toddlerhood. Thanks a lot, Mom.”

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“Welp, my maternal duties are done for the evening. You kids can fend for yourselves for the rest of the night; I’m going to bed.”

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“Ahh, finally, now I can relax with just me and my stink fumes. I’m not even going to acknowledge what Anorexia’s doing right now.”

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“Don’t you mind your purty head about me, Mawma, I’m jes’ puttin’ myself to beddy bye here.”

“Yup, that’s nice dear, I’m going to start dreaming about Nugget now. Zzzzzz….”

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“Hasn’t this jes been a great day, Alopesha? We moved back home, and ya got t’ stay home with Mawma and talk about color wheels, an’ I found me a rock, an’ our baby brother is now old enough to hang out with us’ns. I’ll bet t’morrow will jes be even better, mebbe we can take Aspie fishin’, an’ catch fish, an’….an’…..zzzzzz…”

“ZZZZzzzzzzzZzzzzzzzzz…”

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Aw, Amnesia…forgotten again?

“Yep. What else is new?”

You know, you really shouldn’t sit like that. The “w position” is apparently not good for toddlers.

“Lady, I’ve basically been forgotten my whole life. I’m sitting in a dark room while the rest of my fam’ly sweeps. Even my imaginary friend is ignoring me. I tink I got bigger problems than how I sits.”

….point taken. I’m sorry. 😦

“It’s ok. Spoiler alert: I get to gwow up in the next chapter! I can’t wait!”

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Well, alrighty then. I guess that about wraps it up for today. This was a way longer chapter than I’m used to writing, so I hope you guys liked it! Come back next time to see Amnesia grow up, and whatever else is going to happen!

OH! One other thing…I’ve noticed that Sara and Kurtis have been downloaded TWENTY TWO TIMES! WOW! I’m flattered, and slightly disturbed. I’m also burning with curiosity (at least, I hope that’s just curiosity)….who has them? What are they doing?? Have they ruined your life yet?! If you have any Simptoms, please feel free to comment on my new page and tell me all about them!

Thanks for reading…AND contracting our diseases!

4 comments on “A.17 Strengthening Your Brain

  1. OMG. That was a shocking personality change for Anorexia!! Now, the question is — is he more Angler or Evil? I’m sure he can be both.

    I’m ready to see Amnesia’s child face. Also the final child of this messed up household.

  2. This chapter was complete and utter nonsense ….

    AND I LOVED IT!!!! Surely this family can’t get any more dysfunctional than it already is?! Actually, it probably can. Poor Amnesia. I really want to bat for the underdog, so I hope she grows into a great trait.

    Redneck Anorexia … who’d have thunk it?

    • I just now saw this comment…stupid WordPress notification fails. 😒.

      Ah, Amnesia…define “great trait.” I couldn’t believe Anorexia got angler. ALL the choices he had, and he goes with ANGLER. I love him, but I kinda hope he doesn’t win; living in the mind of a redneck — even a genius one — for any length of time is a bit daunting.

      How are you, Jo? WHERE ARE THE BOOKABETS?!!?

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